What Does Miss Chievous Dream?

I had a dream last night in which I realized the ironic fact that the word "hirsute" actually sounds like "hair suit."

Perhaps I should go ponder this while having some Chai Tea and doing a little Tai Chi.

Wordsmither

The following conversation recently transpired between Jason and myself. I should point out in advance that Jason is a part time professor, lover of words, and an avid Scrabble player. Seeing as I couldn't spell my way out of a paper bag, we unfortunately do not share this particular interest. However, it made this conversation all the more frustrating to him (in a silly way) and all the more entertaining to me.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but it had something to do with me having success at something....

M - So, then I would be a successer.
J - No, you would be a success. Or, you can have success. But, a successor is someone who follows next in order.
M - Right. I know what a successor is. I would be a successer. ER. One who has success!
J - But, that isn't a word.
M - Well, I'm making up a new word.
J - You can't just make up new words.
M - Why not? Is there some law about inventing new words? Ain't wasn't even added to the dictionary until recently. However, people started using it so much it was declared a new word. I'm starting a trend. You can be a successer or a failer.
J - But, there are already words that mean what you are trying to express. You don't need to invent new words. For example, instead of failer you would use failure or loser.
M - Ah, but failer and loser mean too different things. You can lose a game. However, if your intent was to lose the game in the first place, you would be a successer at being a loser. But, you certainly wouldn't be a failer.
J - I see (sarcasam).
M - Hey, the Samoans have like a hundred words or something in their language that all define snow. So, what's the big deal with having a few extra words that mean the same thing?
J - Samoans are natives of Polynesian islands. I doubt they have ever even seen snow let alone have over a hundred words for it. Did you mean the Eskimos?
M - Right, Eskimos. Whatever. You know what I mean.
J - Mmmhmmm.....so, are you telling me that if my intent was to have sex with you for an hour tonight, but I was only able to last one minute, then I would be a failer?
M - Oh no Honey, in that case you would be a loser :)

Super Bad? More Like Barely Bad

This weekend I decided to forget about the fact that I'm a 30 something year old woman and went to see a film clearly aimed at a teenage market, "Super Bad." And as my thirty something year old boyfriend and I laughed ourselves to tears along with the twenty something year olds and teenagers in the audience, I found myself mulling over the thought that always seems to come to mind when I see a film of this nature. And that is, "Man, I really missed out on a lot in high school." Oh and, "Teenage girls are way hotter, way more sexually aggressive, and way more whory these days." That's more of a second thought. But seriously, if I had to chose between being a teenage boy today and a teenage boy 15 years ago, I'm gonna go with today.

I realize that I'm basing my experiences against those fictionalized by hired Hollywood writers, so I may be being a little hard on myself, but still. Those stories had to come from somewhere, right? I was such a freak'in Goodie Goodie. Looking back, I wish I would have dared to live life a little more. I mean sure, I 'm not talking about becoming a permenant member of the burn outs that smoked around the corner every morning before school, but would it have killed me to share a cigarette with them once and awhile? Or, smoked a cigarette at all? "Oh no! I may become instantly addicted and then how would I explain my 3 pack a day habit to my parents!?!?" Would it have killed me to be truant once in a while? Drink alcohol before turning 21? Or dare I even say it, get a fake ID and try to BUY alcohol or get into a club? Perhaps, embrace the fact that I was blessed with big boobs and dress a little sexier instead of hiding behind clothing that was 3 sizes too big? Geez, and I wonder why it was so hard to get dates back then.

Even when I was somewhat part of "bad deeds" it was always from the sidelines. I was never the one who like, "Yeah, let's get a hall pass and wander around outside of class longer than it takes to go to the bathroom" or "Sure, let's steal people's lawn decorations as part of our scavenger hunt" or "Let's go get drunk off of Boone's Farm in a field near a cemetery!" I may have gone along with those "oh so horrible" deeds, but it was only so I could continue to fit in. I was always secretly afraid that I would hear the police cars screeching to a halt to take us all to jail at any moment. I still can't believe that I was invited to and attended a party with an actual female stripper. Although, it was Vegas and the girl did get really pissed and refused to strip anymore as soon as she caught on that nobody at the party was actually over the age of 21. And even though she was a stripper and didn't exactly have a upstanding job like a legal secretary or something, I still was concerned that she was going to call the police on us all and we'd all go to prison for seeing naked boobies or something. I wish I had had the balls that the girl who hired the stripper did. She yelled obscenities at her in the bathroom for 20 minutes and then refused to pay her since she barely even stripped.

I spent so many of my formative years growing up in fear. Fear of getting in trouble and fear of getting caught. And to this day, it's still taken me quite a while to live up to that bad girl that I kind of secretly wished I was, but just can't completely be. Or sure, by now I've gotten drunk, broken in to a private pool and went skinny dipping, attended a party that the police busted up, and even stole a dish from a restaurant along with doing a few other "bad things." I just wish I had been brave enough to start earlier. I suppose that's better than never starting at all. Although, I still won't park illegally.

Oh, and ummm, you guys won't turn me into the police for doing all that bad stuff, right? Cause, I'll take you down with me. Don't think I won't. Cause, I'm just that bad now!

I'm Such A Witch!

Ah spam..... Don't you just love it? Cluttering up your email and bombarding you from every angle? Like most people, I thought that nothing good could come of spam. This is true whether referring to annoying electronic commercials or the horrifying meat-like (and I'm being kind here) product. But I was wrong. Sometimes, spam can be highly entertaining.

I see my fill of spam on a daily basis. We all do. "Work from home! Consolidate your debt! Become a secret shopper! Continuing education! Congratulations, you've won! Apply for this credit card!" And my favorite, "Increase the size of your penis!" Which, I've been meaning to look into actually. Honesty, my penis is so small it's as if I don't even have one. Har, har, har...... But the other day, this spam headline in my mailbox caught my eye -

"It's NOT Your Fault That Your Spells And Rituals Aren't Turning Out Like You Want... YET"

Now, I figured this was just another ploy to get me to click on something that actually turned out to be an advertisement for the new latest and greatest cleaning product or something. "Removes stains like magic!" But my curiosity was piqued and I couldn't help myself. So, I read on and was delighted by what I found. The email continued as follows -

"The truth is... you've been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches...and the truth is that 99% of these 'professionals' are DEAD WRONG!

In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.

They don't want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you'd never need them again and they would lose their power.

As you know, many witches and wizards are FURIOUS about this. Why?

Because it reveals the true forgotten secrets of witchcraft. Secrets more powerful than what they can do through their very expensive services...

You've seen some ridiculous prices on the internet for getting a spell done. It's obvious they are getting rich off of normal people and their problems...

Once you know their secrets, you won’t need to give them your money!

I've personally tested this information, and some of the old forgotten stuff is mind blowing: it's accurate, effective and quite easy to do......"

Wow! I mean, it's like they read my mind! I can't believe the powerful witches and wizards were DEAD WRONG! Trying to diminish my powers? Not wanting me to know the right way to cast spells? Why is it that the coven is always trying to hold us young upstarts back? Witches??? We should call them Bitches!

I AM furious about this! It's true, you won't believe some of the ridiculous prices I've seen on the internet for getting a spell done. Just the other day I found myself at home in the kitchen, standing at my cauldron, purply smoke filling the room and I was at a complete loss because I didn't have access to the forgotten secrets of witchcraft. It's enough to make a witch like myself want to hop on her broom and go all Harry Potter on somebody's ass.

All I can say is, "Thank Achtland for spam!" (Yeah, that's right. Look it up. It's a pagan goddess.) How else would I have found out about these witchcraft secrets? It's so tough for a witch today living in these modern times. Not like in the good 'ol days when you could just walk into any old spell shack and get a little "double double toil and trouble." I'm tell'in you people, this isn't the kind of thing you are going to find on an infomercial at three in the morning. Nope, that time slot is strictly reserved for Ron Popeil and colon cleansing vitamins.

All kidding aside, what in the heck did I surf to online that got me on this mailing list?!?! I just can't wait to see what else they send me. I mean, I've been out of work for awhile now, perhaps witchcraft is just the thing I've been searching for.

On a side note, I'd like to wish a very Happy Birthday to Annie. Today is her birthday.

The Final Four

Now, when most people hear "The Final Four" they immediately think of sports. Basketball, right? Sorry Christy, I know I've let you down. But to me, "The Final Four" signals the upcoming season finale of the greatest reality show on television right now, So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD, for those of you who are hip). Next week I'll be in SYTYCD heaven as the show will be on three times. Then I will be going through reality television withdrawal until America's Next Top Model (the next best reality television show) begins in the fall. Come on, how can you not love 18 year old catty bitches taking on such challenges as, "Stand here as still as a statue as we have 10 live pigeons land on your head" or "Depict this horrible eating disorder, but like, in a artsy fierece way." Not to mention that we get to witness Tyra dressed up like a drag queen imparting her "wisdom" and "years of experience" to all the young hopefuls.

But, enough about ANTM and back to SYTYCD. The final six contestants are all crazy talented. All are skilled enough and deserving to win, but I of course have my favorites. My bet is that the title is going to a girl this year. Here are my picks in order of how much I like them -

Sabra - She's the winner in my book. She's got the mad skills, a cute personality, and gives a great performance. The jidgis (written like Cat Deely pronounces it) love her, which I believe actually influences the audience voting. I love the fact that she's only been training for 4 years. Also, I've always wanted a cool fro like hers. I know it probably wouldn't work for me, but I just think they are so damned cute.

Lacey - She may pull off the title. My like for her matches my like for Sabra. Lacey is just so damn sexy and she always brings a fun performance. I also love the fact that she has a "real" body. Well, more "real" than most dancers. Besides, she's Benji's little sister and that family seems to just breed awesomeness.

Pasha - Ah, the cutie Russian. That gap toothed smile and accent.....who couldn't fall in love with him? His Latin dancing is fierce and he seems to be a great partner. The fact that he pulled off "hip hip nerd" delights me.

Neil - SYTYCD eye candy. If they had him dance topless every week, all the tween girls would vote for him and he'd will hands down. His gymnastic tricks are awesome, but there is something about his personality that kind of bugs me. His "Office Politics" dance with Sabra was amazing though.

Lauren - Meh. She's just too smiley and desperate for me. It's like she's always trying way too hard to win over the jidgis and America. Her "dance for your life" dance always looks the same to me. She's a Lacey wannabe without the awesome gene.

Danny - I'll admit that technically, he is the best dancer on the show. However, his personality SUCKS. He's always seemed a little aloof and stuck up, but the clincher for me was last week when he found out that he wasn't in the bottom two. Usually when the contestants find out that they are safe they smile and humbly wish the losers good luck. They seem truly sad that one of their friends may be going home. Not Danny. Nope, he jumped up and down squealing like a little girl and then ran off the stage without giving a second thought to the people who lost out. And, the very first time he was in the bottom three, he laughed. It was like, "Ha ha! America is so stupid. I'm WAY too amazing to not win this whole thing." Danny is kinda of an ass and I'll be thoroughly bummed if he wins.

I can't wait until next Thursday to find out who is America's favorite dancer. Can't you just imagine the thrill of finding out that you get to dance in Celine Dion's "A New Day" show in Vegas? I mean honestly, if I was in the competition, I'd probably go all Tonya Harding on the other contestants just to secure my victory.

How I Came To Live In The Burgh

Before we get started, the author would like to point out that for comic effect she would have preferred to title this entry, "How I Came To Live In The Pitts." However, this seemed such an unfair slight to a city that I'm becoming rather fond of :) Besides, thanks to Sienna Miller, we already have the unfortunate "Shittsbugh" incident.

So, A LOT of people already know the enchanting tale of how I came to live in Pittsburgh. But for those who do not, I thought I should perhaps address it. I know a handful of my friends simply got the message, "Hey, I'm moving from CA!" but without the rhyme or reason. So, here it is......(And for those who are already familiar with the tale, you'll have to wait to be entertained by my next entry. Oh, who are we kidding? I'm damned near entertaining all the time.)

Simply put, I moved to Pittsburgh for love. ***Insert violins playing and a cheesy choir singing*** That's right. Can I hear a collective sigh of "Ahhhhhhhh...." from the audience? Fourteen months ago I reunited with my high school sweetheart. Yup, the guy I dated my senior year of high school and the guy who took me to my senior prom. We hadn't spoken in twelve years. And, although I always thought fondly of Jason, I certainly wasn't pinning away for him. Meaning, it wasn't like I ever looked back on my life and thought, "Ah darn, he's the one who got away!" Gee, this is turning out to sound like a real romantic story :)

So here's how it happened basically. A mutual friend of ours contacted me via email after finding me on Reunion.com. He, the mutual friend, was living in CA (as was I at the time) and wanted to know if I was still living there as well. Turns out he and his wife had been there for several years. Anyways, we started emailing back and forth and at some point I ask him if he still kept in contact with anybody else from high school. He informs me that he does and sends me a list of people that I knew and where they were living and what they were up to. Jason was on that list. At the time, I had connected with several other people I'd gone to high school with, so my curiosity was piqued. I decided to do a little search for him on Friendster. And lo and behold, his name popped up!

Now, although everything worked out well for me, I should you warn you about a little feature on Friendster that I was unaware of at the time. When you click on somebody's profile, it tells them that you've looked at it. Anonymous snoopers beware! So, there I was just innocently doing some good 'ol internet stalking and I realize that now the guy I dated in high school who I haven't spoken to in twelve years is going to have a note on his account saying that I was sneaking around. "Oh, uh, hey, pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain......"

So, to try and save a little stalker face, I decided to send him an email. Just a, "Hey, saw your profile, hope you are well..." kinda thing. And that, my friends, is how it all started. He responded back to that email. We kept responding back and forth until we had emails that were upwards of five to ten pages long. Emails turned into phone calls and phone calls turned into a meet up several months later. I flew out to Pittsburgh from CA and then we took a short vacation up to Toronto. By the end of the trip we were both like, "What are we going to do?!?!"

We dated long distance for nine (LONG) months seeing each other at least once a month and talking every night on the phone. In March, I made the move out to Pittsburgh. I was really burned out on my job and CA in general and was ready for a big change. The only sad part being that I would need to leave all my CA friends behind.

So, that's my story. The semi-short version of it anyways. I'm in a happy relationship and slowly adjusting to the new town. I look forward to seasons and leaves changing colors and snowmen. Oh, and the fireflies are pretty awesome here too :)

On a side note, I'd like to wish a belated Happy Birthday to David. I hope you put a candle in a crumpet and made a wish ;)

Blog Duel.......ACCEPTED!

So, I've finally done it. I've started my very own blog. Woo Hoo! I feel so, oh, how do they say......cyber cool??? Or, is it that I'm just a wannabe? Yeah, that's right, I want to be just like my other super rad blogging friends and foes. Or, is it an incurable desire to break free from my Urban Amish status? (Although, for those of you who care I did FINALLY break down and switched over my dial up connection to DSL. Yeah, I'm getting all growed up.)

Since the big move, I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to keep in contact with all my wonderful friends. So, I thought this might be an entertaining and easier (Well, for me at least) way to keep in contact with everyone.

Comments get you gold stars in my book and may just add up to upgrades in presents when birthdays and Christmas rolls around. I mean, I don't like to play favorites or anything.......but let's be honest. All my friends are smart, awesome, funny, and good looking........so I must be *somewhat* superficial. And if you are reading this, you are probably one of those friends. Yeah, that's right folks, flattery will get you everywhere.

And, to a certain fellow who challenged me to a blog duel......you better grab your rapier wit.....En Garde!