Ah spam..... Don't you just love it? Cluttering up your email and bombarding you from every angle? Like most people, I thought that nothing good could come of spam. This is true whether referring to annoying electronic commercials or the horrifying meat-like (and I'm being kind here) product. But I was wrong. Sometimes, spam can be highly entertaining.
I see my fill of spam on a daily basis. We all do. "Work from home! Consolidate your debt! Become a secret shopper! Continuing education! Congratulations, you've won! Apply for this credit card!" And my favorite, "Increase the size of your penis!" Which, I've been meaning to look into actually. Honesty, my penis is so small it's as if I don't even have one. Har, har, har...... But the other day, this spam headline in my mailbox caught my eye -
"It's NOT Your Fault That Your Spells And Rituals Aren't Turning Out Like You Want... YET"
Now, I figured this was just another ploy to get me to click on something that actually turned out to be an advertisement for the new latest and greatest cleaning product or something. "Removes stains like magic!" But my curiosity was piqued and I couldn't help myself. So, I read on and was delighted by what I found. The email continued as follows -
"The truth is... you've been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches...and the truth is that 99% of these 'professionals' are DEAD WRONG!
In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.
They don't want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you'd never need them again and they would lose their power.
As you know, many witches and wizards are FURIOUS about this. Why?
Because it reveals the true forgotten secrets of witchcraft. Secrets more powerful than what they can do through their very expensive services...
You've seen some ridiculous prices on the internet for getting a spell done. It's obvious they are getting rich off of normal people and their problems...
Once you know their secrets, you won’t need to give them your money!
I've personally tested this information, and some of the old forgotten stuff is mind blowing: it's accurate, effective and quite easy to do......"
Wow! I mean, it's like they read my mind! I can't believe the powerful witches and wizards were DEAD WRONG! Trying to diminish my powers? Not wanting me to know the right way to cast spells? Why is it that the coven is always trying to hold us young upstarts back? Witches??? We should call them Bitches!
I AM furious about this! It's true, you won't believe some of the ridiculous prices I've seen on the internet for getting a spell done. Just the other day I found myself at home in the kitchen, standing at my cauldron, purply smoke filling the room and I was at a complete loss because I didn't have access to the forgotten secrets of witchcraft. It's enough to make a witch like myself want to hop on her broom and go all Harry Potter on somebody's ass.
All I can say is, "Thank Achtland for spam!" (Yeah, that's right. Look it up. It's a pagan goddess.) How else would I have found out about these witchcraft secrets? It's so tough for a witch today living in these modern times. Not like in the good 'ol days when you could just walk into any old spell shack and get a little "double double toil and trouble." I'm tell'in you people, this isn't the kind of thing you are going to find on an infomercial at three in the morning. Nope, that time slot is strictly reserved for Ron Popeil and colon cleansing vitamins.
All kidding aside, what in the heck did I surf to online that got me on this mailing list?!?! I just can't wait to see what else they send me. I mean, I've been out of work for awhile now, perhaps witchcraft is just the thing I've been searching for.
On a side note, I'd like to wish a very Happy Birthday to Annie. Today is her birthday.
7 comments:
All I know is that I got ripped off a few years back by a Warlock who charged me 59.99 for a simple voo-doo incantation. Plus a surcharge was tacked on for the dead body. BUYER BEWARE!
My precious gmail is sweet enough to collect 99.9% of my spam into a spam folder which I delete without reading. I've always thought this was a plus, I didn't realize I was missing out on such important information!
But seriously, if someone could really teach me to do spells, I wouldn't care about overpaying. At least at first, I suppose it would get old after a while, but by that point I'd have learned to grow a money tree and not have to worry about it.
And this, Darling Darling, is the reason why I challenged you to a blog duel. Just give me a few more minutes to get my thoughts up about SYTYCD, but I'm guessing you are pretty stoked.
Robb -
My gmail also captures my spam. However, since I've been job hunting for months now, I skim through my spam folders to make sure that nobody has contacted me via email.
And yes, I was super happy about SYTYCD and Sabra winning. I was scared though, it was just down to her and Danny! Now I'm going through reality tv withdrawal until the end of Sept rolls around :(
This time of year is where I start slumming it and watching re-runs of Clean House and Extreme Makeover on cable. heh
who is this robb?? i think i love him!!!! you really watch clean house??? i thought i was the only person in the world who liked to watch people clean their houses!!!! wanna get hitched?? i am sure Shell can whip up a love potion if you need it.
Oh, we ALL love Robb. If he ever leaves the love of *his* life, David The Super, I'll be sure to let you know ;) But, it may take more than a love spell. BTW, I watch clean house too. But, I always get super pissy and jealous when I'm watching because I think, "Why do *these* people get all this cool stuff?!?! They are just going to go back to living in a pigsty the minute the clean house team leaves." Now *I'm* more deserving. They could come visit me years later and it would still be squeaky clean. Although, I suppose there isn't the same mass appeal for "Already Cleaned House!"
I think most of the people on Clean House fake the mess for the cameras. They do have all the crap obviously, but I can't believe they really live with it all spread out on the floor like that. Some people, but not *that* many. I just love Niecey. She was awesome on "Reno 911", but even better on Clean House. Remember the old New Zealand guy who used to host? I liked him too.
But yeah, remind me again why we are rewarding people who are totally lame with plasma screen TV's??
And dang Michelle, way to just crush Christy and my love like that. Maybe you need to think about your need to keep your friend from finding love of their own. After all, this is the internet, it isn't like we have to tell the truth about ourselves or anything. Maybe I do want to marry someone who will just sit around and watch Clean House all day long!
Oh wait, I already did. Sorry Christy. ::grin::
Post a Comment